1. |
Happy New Beer
00:45
|
|||
|
I'm gonna end this year the same way that I entered it:
Home alone and so drunk that I can't remember it
|
||||
2. |
Milky Mirror
03:02
|
|||
|
When the raindrops trickle gently
Down the lavender slope of my parasol
The butterflies living on top of it
Refract the street lights' glow
Through their fragmented polyester wings
I see the sky below me,
A cloudy mess of cappuccino
Spilling colors of the galaxy
On the canvas of the puddles, their rings dance,
Reverberating 'round my feet
My heart beats for the reflections of hazy skies
I catch glints of off your sleepy eyes
As we lie in the deep grass damp with mother nature's tears
And we look up pondering the universe and existential fears
But none of that matters
In the long run
So long as I have you
And I'm not leaving,
No, I'm staying;
Not unless I have to
And until you ask me
I'll ask you
If you would have me
'Cause my love is firmly rooted,
Strong and permanent
Like a pine tree
|
||||
3. |
Telempathy
02:54
|
|||
|
I can feel your warmth
Without my fingers touching your skin
I know what it's like to be inside
Without you ever even letting me in
I can feel your heat
Just by listening to every inhalation
Each sending pangs like crashing waves
Into combat with my mind's elation
In a dream, you wrote your name on the side of my neck via calcium knives
Each shakey breath unto itself a word I've never heard before in any of my lives
Tooth and nail, I came and I saw, and you did too
I came and I saw, and I came again; and I think I love you
I can feel your ache
You don't have to say a word
When spheres of saline litter your cheekbones
Both of our visions are blurred
I can feel your heat
Through that look in your eyes
I'll be with you at the lowest of your lows
If you'll be with me at my highs
In a dream, you went to say my name, meant to say my name
But what crawled out of the corners of your gritted teeth sounded more like a ghost, and I said the same
Tooth and nail, you dug a ditch in me, you sunk right into me
Love is one soul in two bodies, red string psychology
|
||||
4. |
Coffee
03:49
|
|||
|
I kept having dreams of what color we'd paint our living room
I slept for a week straight, wanting a new day to come,
Wishing that every morning that I woke up didn't feel the same
I was dreaming of sitting still in a stationary car
Nobody getting in, nobody getting out,
I just sat there, waiting for an unsuspecting train
Last time I was sitting in a car in the dark
We went out for some 3 AM coffee and sat in the park
We just needed some space with clean air, but somehow
My fingers traced your ribcage and we went back to your house
But I don't remember why we started, or why we stopped
And I don't know what's going on now,
But I know it's unfair to be pushing it on you
And I don't know where I've been since then, or where I'm going
I'm probably doomed to repeat the past, but if I've been here before
I honestly don't think there's a way of knowing
Last time I was sitting in a car in the dark
I found myself in your backseat, you found a place park
We just wanted a private place to talk, but somehow
My hand found it's way up your shirt and your lips found my mouth
In this moment in time, just like I was back then
I'm so afraid, but not because I'm so far from home,
But because it's so dark, and as soon as the opening scene plays,
I'm already wishing this movie was over
Last time I was sitting in a car in the dark
I was trainspotting, and a train spotted me,
And my wish came true, and now I'm dead
This song is just the words left over spilling out of my head
I don't love you anymore
I don't love you anymore
I can't love you anymore
I can't love you
Is that what I believe or is it just what I tell myself?
|
||||
5. |
Atlas
03:41
|
|||
|
Feels like the sky is falling
But at the same time, I don't care
I still remember your birthday
Didn't you only like ice cream cake?
Do you maybe want
To watch a movie together?
If not that's okay
I'll come back later
One year later
Oh but I
Much prefer you
To make the moves
I only kiss
Someone on the lips
Once in a blue moon
What I can hold
Is just about all
That I can take
My legs give way
Under the weight
Of the world
You've got to keep food in your stomach and air in your lungs
You've got to keep your hands populated
We can put our scraps together
And make some beautiful mosaics
Slow-motion is still movement
And you gotta stay moving to stay together
Just for the record, I was drunk
But I meant every word I said
Oh and I
Much prefer you
To make the moves
I only kiss
Someone on the lips
Once in a blue moon
What I can hold
Is just about all
That I can take
My legs give way
Under the weight
Of the world
My legs give way
|
||||
6. |
Pond Scum
05:13
|
|||
|
I vomited two days ago and haven't brushed my teeth since
The taste is a reminder of what scum I really am
In jest there is truth, so I make jokes about how much I hate myself
But I only do it to fit in with the popular opinion of everyone else
"Come on, Jeremy, quit your bitchin', stop being such a fuckin' pussy"
"It's just a joke, calm down, no one likes a whiner, you're such a fuckin' baby"
Being permenant is a struggle I haven't quite yet learned to cope with
And you're not helping my situation by being a bunch of pricks
Am I pond scum? Am I worth something?
Will you stir me with your fingertips and watch me dissolve into nothing?
I need the drugs to keep my motor running
And I need more drugs put me back to sleep
Where do we go from here?
I feel like the residue of your evaporated saliva
The pockmarks on top of the head of the faucet from where you spit out your toothpaste
It's such a simple solution, a quick swipe from a wet cloth is all it would take to clean me up
But we can't muster enough energy between the both of us to get the job done
"Come on, Jenni, quit your bitchin', just put on some makeup"
The girls in the bathroom at the high school dug the deepest trenches in all of us
Being permenant is a struggle she hasn't quite yet learned to cope with
All she knows is that she wants to get up and leave and never have to take another look back at where she came from
Am I pond scum? Am I worth something?
Will you puncture me your fingernails and watch me fade away into nothing?
I need the drugs to keep my motor running
And I need more drugs put me back to sleep
I'm falling asleep
|
||||
7. |
Baby
03:41
|
|||
|
I'm reaching out to all my old friends
I'm holding conversations with them
I'm smiling when I go to work again
A wallet photo and a ball-point pen
I'm freezing but forgot my jacket
I leave it home just out of habit
You'll remind me next time to grab it
"Don't go without your coat, baby"
I hate to see you go
But I love watching you shed your leaves
I don't mind If you don't last long
I'm just so glad you even happened
Revisit holiday monotony
I ask, "You wanna meet my family?"
You say, "Sure thing, I haven't got any"
You say it oh so very modestly
I said I'm aching on the inside
A phantom pain from when my heart died
You said you know where we can both hide
We crawled in bed and then we both cried
Like babies
You hate to see me go
But you know I have to, we both know that I have to
You don't mind if I don't last long
But I promise I will, oh, I promise I will
|
||||
8. |
I'm Good
04:50
|
|||
|
I don't feel too sad, in fact quite honestly I feel alright
I only slept a couple hours but it feels like I slept all night
Those hot and sweaty summer nights I spent rolling under bed sheets
I found comfort in the miscomfort of sharing your body heat
And when I go of course I'll miss you and I hope that you'll continue
Blowing up balloons and asking if you really know me
I'm good at spending money I don't have
I'm good at laughing off responsibility
I'm good at refusing to be shamed for taking actions they say I should be ashamed of
I'm good
I'm good at coming off cooler than I really am, because
I'm good at picking up on social cues
When I ask you how are you and you say fine and ask how am I:
I'll say, "I'm good;
and I'm getting better."
I don't feel too sad, in fact quite honestly I feel alright
I didn't plan on sleeping in so let's stay up all night
These fingertips are cold, and these fingernails are short
I can't stop chewing on them 'cause I'm anxious at the airport
The world is just so big and I'm so terrified of it
Let's just get high and drink some cherry soda
I'm good at spending money I don't have
I'm good at laughing off responsibility
I'm good at refusing to be shamed for taking actions they say I should be ashamed of
I'm good
I'm good at coming off cooler than I really am, because
I'm good at picking up on social cues
When I ask you how are you and you say fine and ask how am I:
I'll say, "I'm good;
I'm fine;
I'm great;
and I'm getting better."
|
||||
9. |
Dinner & A Movie
03:12
|
|||
|
I pedal hard
My heart beats harder
You can't wait to see me, you seal it with a smile
I hit the wall
I lose my wallet
I'll still show up, I promise, it just might take me a little while
My blood is pumping less because of my motion and more because my emotions are leading me unto my center
My entire life is the feeling of re-reading what you just typed out, letting out a sigh, then hitting enter
Fake roses don't die, but they get dusty
Forgive my awkward and clumsy footing, is it obvious that I'm a bit rusty?
But if you hold my hand tight, you can prevent the shaking
If you would just hold me tight, you could prevent the aching
Do I live?
Well I'm alive
What's the difference? Does it matter? Tell me why
I'm drunk, again
You're high, again
What kind of trouble do you want to get into tonight?
I can see across the bridge into your room with the telescope, I can read all of the trophies on your shelf
And when I see his car in your driveway I'm overcome with the insatiable desire to hang myself
Fake roses don't die, but they get dusty
Forgive my awkward and clumsy footing, is it obvious that I'm a bit rusty?
But if you hold my hand tight, you can prevent the shaking
If you would just hold me tight, you could prevent the aching
Are you glad you intervened?
Well I'm back where I was a year ago
And the needles you stuck in me, both literally and figuratively,
Don't cause pain, but leave a phantom aching
Don't cause pain, but leave a phantom aching
Don't cause pain, but leave
|
||||
10. |
We Hung Out Once
02:58
|
|||
|
We hung out once
And that was all that I needed
For me to decide
I wanted you in my life
But you had something else on your mind
You told me you had to go
You said that you were afraid
You left without your coat and walked home under the pouring rain
I tried to lay down in bed
You called me when you got home
But I’m so stubborn that I didn’t want to answer my phone
And then you called me again
I went to pick up this time
But all I heard was labored breath and crying over the line
You said “I’m trying so hard”
After you tried calming down
Choking back sobs using a pillowcase to muffle the sound
We hung out once
And that was all that you needed
For you to decide
To eat me alive
You like your meat just like your boys: raw
You said “I like you a lot
Because you are just like me
And that’s why I got so scared that I had to get up and leave
Because I know me so well
Which means that I know you too
And that means I know what the both of us are going to do
So I had better stop now
Before I can even start
Because if I don’t break yours then you’ll end up breaking my heart
I don’t think we can be friends”
You sighed before you hung up
And I rolled over with a frown and a sick twinge in my gut
We hung out once
And that was all that we needed
For us to decide
You can’t say we didn’t try
We’re just too smart to be in love
And I could never blame you
Because I know what you meant
And when I close my eyes I can hear every word that you said
That was my hardest goodbye
And it has haunted my dreams
Asleep you crawl inside my mind and spine and pull at the seams
‘Cause we had only just met
And I just don’t understand
Why I’m so sad when it’s my own fault I’m not holding your hand
And I just don’t understand
Because there’s nothing to miss
I let my heart get broken before we even had a chance to kiss
We hung out once
|
||||
11. |
Square One
02:31
|
|||
|
How do people love
And keep their hearts intact?
It’s just a matter of trust
And that’s a matter of fact
But can I trust you?
I thought I could
You told me you could keep a promise,
You could read me like a book
And even when you’re sleep talking
I take down every speech like a scholar
Your word is worth a thousand pictures
Your picture’s worth a million dollars
So here's a photograph of me missing you:
It's a portrait of the landscape of my room
But it's missing the subject
And it's one that I am missing too
|
||||
12. |
Gravel
01:55
|
|||
|
Once I felt warm like the inside of your mouth
Soon I'll be cold and sleeping nightly on my friend's faux leather couch
My back will stick unless I stay fully-clothed
My back will ache just like my chest until
I take another breath, but I don't want to
Not without you
I saw something I didn't like
Commence the retching
And now I'm trapped with the nightmare of another guy
Pulling your panties to the side
And I am choking
My palms are bleeding
My knuckles are splintering under the weight
That is keeping my hands pinned to the table
So I can't leave
Until you let me
And you won't let me
And you won't let me
|
||||
13. |
Drifting, Part 1
05:03
|
|||
|
Well you say you love me
But I can't let myself believe that
It's not that I don't want to trust you
It's that I can't trust my own head
It's sayin'
The status you posted wasn't about me
The post you retweeted wasn't about me
The photo you shared in your group chat
Has me running scared and I don't want to see
That you're drifting away
That you're drifting away
That you're drifting away
That you're drifting
Of course I know better
But can't help myself from overthinking
And assuming, what you're doing, in your room
When I'm so far away
My brain will say
The status you posted wasn't about me
The post you retweeted wasn't about me
And even though you told me to go look because they were,
I just can't shake the feeling
That you're drifting away
That you're drifting away
That you're drifting away
That you're drifting
|
||||
14. |
Drifting, Part 2
03:53
|
|||
|
I'm not used to being treated kindly
And it reflects in my behavior
My brain don't work the way it used to
I'm paranoid of everyone and everything
The logical side's saying that I know you care
But underneath is a jealousy that I don't share
And it bleeds into my attitude, it fucks with how I treat you
It's playing on my fear that one day you won't be there
Well I know it's unhealthy, but I can't control myself
My mental state is telling me you're looking at someone else
I've been conditioned to being used to being used, so sorry if I
Come off as distant, it's protection, but it's no excuse
I'm not drifting away
I'm not drifting away
I'm not drifting away
I'm not drifting
I'm not drifting away (I'm so sorry for the things that I say)
I'm not drifting away (I'm so sorry for the things that I do)
I'm not drifting away (I know better than trust my head, when you say you love me)
We're not drifting away (I know it's true)
And I believe you
|
||||
15. |
||||
|
I know life hasn't been kind to you
And I know people have been worse
And I know how often you've had daydreams of dying,
Resting face-up in mahogany in the back of a black hearse
But I'm glad you made it here today
An ordinary person couldn't have gotten this far
You needn't look so afraid
Your teeth aren't perfect, but you still are
And I can't help but stare
You cast a line and caught my eye, and
I love everything about you
From each mark on your body to the walls of your bedroom
Every kiss you've given found its own way back to you
And the reflections they brought with them made you who you are
And who you are, I wouldn't trade for anything
What if I bought you a diamond ring?
Would you laugh at me?
Would you say, "Probably"?
That's all a boy could want
It's all I'd ever need
|
||||
16. |
Right?
02:16
|
|||
|
What's with all the drinking?
Well it's a celebration
I just set a personal best
I'm the emptiest that I have ever been
I keep the right half of my bed
Filled up with pillows and blankets
I only sleep on the edge
Of the left side with one of each of them
I feel at home on the outside
I felt at home on the side of your mattress
A kind of cerebral magentism, I couldn't shake the idea
That this is where I'm supposed to be
Right here, right now
It feels right here
It feels right now
Right here
Right now
Right here
Right now
And I don't feel scared
I don't really feel anything
Life hasn't felt real
In oh so many years
Of course I'm not upset with you
I only want what's best for you
I'm upset with myself
Because I've never been what's best for anyone else
But I feel at home on the outside
I felt at home on the side of your mattress
While you were wishing I were someone else, and I was wishing I were too
I just want to be good for you
I want to be right
It feels right here
It feels right now
Right here
Right now
It feels right here
Right now
I looked into your eyes and I felt a fire so warm
It lit up my world for a moment and then some
|
||||
17. |
Fall Came (Freeze-Frame)
03:53
|
|||
|
I'm not rich
I just have a credit card
With a limit higher than what I really make in a month
I'm not a loser
Every time I play the lottery
'Cause money's temporary anyway
I've missed you so much
I see your hair has grown longer
Will you cut it back down to size?
I know you're trying the vegetarian thing
How 'bout I get a combo meal
And I'll let you have the fries?
You hail from Venus, and I'm stuck in
A New York State of Mind
It feels closer to a Close Encounter
Of the Third Kind
Whenever I'm interacting
With the opposite sex;
I get off to porn quicker
When the actress looks like my ex
Fall came
And went as quickly as our lives change
Leaves fade to grey as they mature with age
But I don’t, and the world keeps on spinning anyway
Freeze frame
Another winter in the Empire State
Temperatures dropping like my GPA
Both should bother me but don’t, and I feel okay
I'm not troubled
By the upkeep
Of constant conversations with anyone
But I can't promise
That I can fix
Any of the problems that you choose to bring up with me
I just need
To get out of this apartment
At least just for the night
My eyes are burning
But I'm not sleeping
Because my friends are fucking in my bed
Please come to the show
Let me buy you a drink at the bar
Maybe I'll have one too
And we'll both get into your car
Whether it's a good idea
Or it's really, really not
I'd get right in the backseat
Without a second thought
Whether we're coming or going,
Staying here or driving up to the stars;
I just want to be wherever you are
Fall came
And went as quickly as our lives change
Leaves fade to grey as they mature with age
But I don’t, and the world keeps on spinning anyway
Freeze frame
Another winter in the Empire State
Temperatures dropping like my GPA
Both should bother me but don’t, and I don't think that I'll okay
|
||||
18. |
Tabby
03:13
|
|||
|
A tabby and a foxhound hangin' out
Two bugs on the porch light buzz around
It feels like summer and I'm missing you
You're the type that my father warned me about
And my mother always told me not to mess around
But this time last summer I was kissing you
Alcohol tastes better when you're hanging with your friends
And I said hey
I don't have the spine to run away even when you're laughing in my face
So I guess I'll walk and hope you don't give chase
A tabby and a foxhound hangin' out
Building a whole new city just to burn it down
But when the smoke clears up, I'm not seeing you
I didn't catch you on the way back to my house
So I'm tearing up my room, turning it inside out
Looking for the box that I was keeping you in
And I'll be honest
I cried for a long time
When I realized you were gone for good
So I'll keep writing songs
Hoping you'll hear them someday
From wherever you are
I hope wherever you are kicks ass
Alcohol tastes better when you're hanging with your friends
And I said hey
I don't have the spine to run away even when you're laughing in my face
So I guess I'll walk and hope you don't give chase
Alcohol tastes better when you're hanging with your friends
Even if you don't drink
|
||||
19. |
Plan B
04:18
|
|||
|
Let's write a song instead of sleeping
The responsible thing
The fingers that you felt are the same fingers that press these strings
Are you listening?
No, I don't think that you are
Well that didn't last long, this didn't get very far
I deserve to be
More than just plan B
I'm sick of the illusion
Of people loving me
I'll be someone's plan A
I'll sweep them away
They'll see me for more than my mistakes
Maybe you'll see
What I can be
Not what I'm stuck as behind insecurity
The only thing I'm good at is being told what to do
By people like you
And I will do them, and I will do them, until you don't give me attention anymore
And you go back to who you were waiting on before
No, I know you don't think that I'm the one
But I'm here, right now, and he's not, so let's have some fun
I'll let you use me
I deserve to be
More than just plan B
I'm sick of the illusion
Of people loving me
I'll be someone's plan A
I'll sweep them away
They'll see me for more than my mistakes
I should be used to this by now
I just thought that somehow
I might be happy with how this one turned out
But I was wrong, and now I'm mad at
All the people who made me sad and
I won't be your partner for this scene
I'm done playing the part of a doormat
And now I'm sick, and full of hatred
For all those who took me for granted
All I've done for you, all I've sacrificed
And now we can't even be friends?
Aw, what the fuck
|
||||
20. |
Plants & Aliens
05:06
|
|||
|
My hands are cold
And lonely, crocheting nightly concerts
To the roaches
My paranoia assumes are my neighbors
And I just want so bad
For the instruments in my head to be externalized
And I still can't sleep
Face-down in a pillow that I wish was your thighs
Your hair is long
But mine is longer
Is that a question
Directed at me, or is it for my mask
My will is strong
But yours is stronger
Is that an answer
To a question I never thought to ask
Just don't pretend, I beg of you
Did you have second thoughts? I'll take you in and absorb your powers
Just don't pretend, I beg of you
I'll beam you up like Mr. Scott, and you can be my Ramona Flowers
My sinuses
Are disagreeing with my current state
Of consciousness;
I don't think they want me to be awake
The codeine
In steady doses make my eyelids heavy
It's funny how
Something so temporary's worth every penny
A drinking song
A drunken saunter
Is this a sign that
I joined a game I wasn't meant to play
It feels wrong
Please, rumormonger
Is this a sign that
You intend to stay
Do you intend to stay?
Do you intend to stay?
Please say you'll stay
Please say
Just don't pretend, I beg of you
I am fluent in the ways your body speaks to me
Just don't pretend, I beg of you
I plan to make a nest out of your leaves
I'll give you what you want
I'll tell you what you need to hear
I'm too afraid to get close unless
I know you won't disappear
|
||||
Papercut Pinkies Niagara Falls, New York
All my music will be always be free to download, but all donations will be accepted and put towards making new, better music!
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